Traumatic Tears and The Fear

Tired, anxious, scared, protective, overwhelmed.

Just some of the words that describe how I’m feeling after last night. The day started off so well- perhaps too well. She was so smiley and chatty in bed in the morning, napped for hours with me, was gurgling and goo-ing on our walk, ate well, the whole shebang. I’d actually been BORED and wanted to wake her up earlier in the day (though I knew at the time that this would be short-lived)…….THEN it hit 6pm. Like a switch, she went from snoozing happily on my lap, to exuding these ear-piercing, blood curdling screams. She was crying tears, red-faced, blowing bubbles through her saliva and almost choking on her own breath. It was so, so upsetting. She had never cried like that before EXCEPT for when she had her dreaded jabs, and that time she banged her head on my necklace when she was still getting to grips with holding her head up (the necklace that I have worn for 10 years was removed promptly to prevent any further injuries, and hasn’t been touched since). I would literally do anything for her to be happy and to prevent harm, so it was just awful to not know what was wrong or how to make it better and I just wanted to take away all her pain. I went through the usual checks and nothing solved it until I dosed her up on Calpol and paced around the house (for hours), and she fell asleep on me twice, but only for 10 mins each. In the end, F had to come back early from drinks with a friend to help me as I felt so overwhelmed- something that hasn’t happened yet- not even when I was alone for a whole week. Actually, thank fuck this happened now and not before that week or I would’ve lost my actual shit about him going away for so long and potentially attempted to forbid it (in my usual rational way).

We drove to pick F up as I thought a car ride may calm her and thankfully it did, then F took her for a long walk (and picked up a half pint in a plastic cup from a local pub en route…) He was doing laps of the common and said he got a couple of looks of solidarity from other parents, one of whom asked if he was doing the ‘get to sleep’ walk.  While he was gone, I finally ate the burnt (couldn’t get it out of the oven in time because of her crying), and cold (I had made it at 6.45  and it was 9pm by this time) dinner that I hadn’t had a chance to eat yet, and then had tea and wolfed down 2 biscuits and a shit load of dark chocolate to calm my shaken nerves. THANKFULLY she went to sleep ok, but she also woke every 2 hours and had a temperature at 3am (I THOUGHT she was a bit hot when we went to sleep but F thought it was fine- mother’s intuition!) so I dosed her up on some more Calpol which came as an unwelcome surprise to her in the middle of the night. I’m really relieved and happy to say that today she seems absolutely fine, but I on the other hand, am not. I feel really shaken and that I have lost confidence in my mothering abilities. I feel like I couldn’t handle it without F and am annoyed that I had to call him home. Mostly I’m just terrified that I will happen again, that I won’t know what to do, and that something may be seriously wrong (obviously in the midst of the traumatic tears I thought of the ABSOLUTE worst case scenario and was close to tears).

To anyone reading this, I would really, really appreciate any thoughts or suggestions on what this could have been- colic? She is 10 weeks so this seems unlikely, something I have eaten and passed on through my breastmilk? I am a creature of habit and eat mostly the same things every day. Teething? I would have thought she is too young but I read that the pain can start this young, and she was producing a LOT of very elastic saliva at the time. Maybe just a 12 hour bug/ ‘one of those things’? I need to know!!!! Seeing her in pain and not being able to help is genuinely the worst thing in the world.

I’m feeling far more relieved and relaxed today now that she is happier, but The Fear is still there. We went on a long walk by the river to Petersham Nurseries and had coffee and salad and it was so refreshing and happy. I also bought a strawberry plant to add to our horticultural oasis that is our tiny front garden! Plus, I can’t lie- hearing another baby scream its head off was also a bit reassuring! (Schadenfreude?) All in all, it has been a wonderful Saturday that has made up for a scarring Friday!